the four horsemen

time becomes nothing when the four horsemen arrive
their hoves plunder you
and pound in you're alive
your tears and sweat you cannot decern
and you pray to some god
the chance to feel one more burn
you know that it's not you
it's just being done
you don't want it this way
still you choose
to tumble and play
i want you to know you're enjoying this blow
take it in like a wave
then let it wash over your grave
as you live you'll know them more and more as they come
but you can take it like your throat swallows warm rum
they leave scars on your flesh and grow silver shine out your scalp
one day you look down their hooves and your hair move the same dirt
your wrinkled feet kick
each horse from another direction together they thunder your ground
in a moment of stillness in furry
at once, you glare into all eight eyes
you see
and here your life lies

Graceful Solitude and Mortal Comradory

Maybe I just don't feel I need others the same way some feel they need. I do still push people away. It's not that don't love, and therefore, need them. I do wish others beside me emensely. However, most often we seem to find ourselves behind or in front of each other. I believe we find ourselves in such positions together out of sincere altruism, but also desperation. Many of us show love by caretaking and somehow feel as friends we have abilities to comfort each other. Perhaps we don't, and just maybe we don't need to. Perhaps when we are together we need only to relate in this blissful helplessness. But somehow we are distracted and scared by the strive for structure and control that we just don't have. Perhaps it is is impossible to truely give anything to another. Perhaps really we can only share. So I ask myself what do I have? Nothing. Though in solitude I find everything is accessible to me. So I ask myself what do I need? It may be comfort, energy, courage, rejuvenation, love in the purest form. Factually, I need all these gifts to thrive. Though it's only in solitude where I may truely receive them. For in solitude, I am alone in grace. nature. life force. When I return to my loved ones I can sit beside them and exude this. Possibly after letting them alone they can sit beside me and exude the same. Sometimes I just wish to stand beside someone and face the same direction together, into the unknown. That's all.
There's a painting by Munch, " The Lonely Ones". With colors balanced, in dark and light, it's of a man and woman standing side by side, just facing the horizon together. I love it.

Facing A Mirror

I can't hear anything outside.
The echoes that once prevailed, now silent.
Everything has ceased to exist beyond this new verity.
Something stagnant inside has finally erupted,
freed itself from my lies,
and we meet at my surface.
Have I been bearing this since dawn?!
Is all this the weight of a tear I never allowed to fall?
A yell I never allowed to rage, set free?!
Perhaps only, a breath I restricted for far too long.
Today it is something that makes me silent.
I am afraid of its sound.
But I will listen.
This rumble that stirs, pierces and aches
from depths of myself
I'm called to face.
It has hushed the fields,
Brought all soilders to their knees
And demands the smallest part of me to stand in awe.
And meet it with honor.
Perhaps this is a war worth fighting and surrendering for.

The Holy Longing

by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent
for the massman will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm waters of the love-nights
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in this obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter,
now, arriving in magic, flying,
and, finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.

Why I Choose To Live

Even the most vile side of humanity is married to an undying grace.